Want a Happy Marriage? Be Nice, Don’t Nitpick

By Jeanie Lerche Davis

Secrets of a Happy Marriage

Long-lasting, happy marriages have more than great communication, Boon says. “Dr. Gottman brings up something no one ever talks about—that irreconcilable differences are normal, that you just have to come to terms with them, not try to resolve the unresolvable. On some level, that should have been obvious, but it hasn’t been,” she tells WebMD.

Most marriage therapists focus on “active listening,” which involves paraphrasing, validating, affirming your spouse’s feedback, says Boon. “That’s all well and good and may help you get through some conflicts in a less destructive way. But, as Dr. Gottman puts it, ‘you’re asking people to do Olympic-style gymnastics when they can hardly crawl.’ Many people will fail at those techniques. Research indicates that most people are dissatisfied with the outcome of marital therapy, that the problems come back.”

In happy marriages, Boon points out, couples don’t do any of that!

Instead, you must be nice to your partner, research shows. Make small gestures, but make them often. “The little things matter,” says Boon. “What a happy marriage is based on is deep friendship, knowing each other well, having mutual respect, knowing when it makes sense to try to work out an issue, when it is not solvable. Many kinds of issues simply aren’t solvable.”

Learn how to identify issues that must be resolved, that can be “fruitfully discussed,” she notes. “Learn to live with the rest. Just put up with it. All you do is waste your breath and get angry over these things that can’t be changed. You’re better off not trying to change them. Work around them. Commit to staying together, even though this is something you don’t like.”

A long-lasting, happy marriage is about knowing your partner, being supportive, and being nice. Research shows that, “for every one negative thing you do, there must be five positive things that balance it out,” Boon tells WebMD. “Make sure to balance the negatives with positives. Your marriage has to be heavily in favor of the positives.”

While it sounds easy—and while it can be easy—this commitment to being nice is no small matter, Boon says. “You have to do nice things often. But it’s harder to be nice when the heat is on, when you’re really angry, or when something has happened for the 15th time. Nevertheless, the balance must be heavily, heavily stacked in the positive, to have a happy marriage.”

Also, couples must stay in touch with their special ways of repairing the relationship, Boon says. “It can be humor; it can be whatever helps diffuse the escalating heat. In happy marriages, couples naturally do this. They deflect the anger, and get back on an even keel.”

Do U Know Who U R?

Do we really know who we are? We know where we were born,
our names that our parents proudly gave us, the place we call home, the job
that pays the bills, our families, our friends, our favorite things in the
world, our shopping lists…et cetera…et cetera. But do you really..really..and I
mean really know who you are? I, for one, have a dimensional self that I
portray in all the places I would be. For instance, I am a quiet and tactful
person in my workplace. Everyone knows that I don’t say much. I go to work, do
my job and go home. Around acquaintances [people that I know yet not close to],
I am funny, friendly and maybe a tad bit shy. Gasp! Those who are close to me
would know that it would sound so absurd. Me? Shy? Anyway, where was I? Oh, and
around close friends, I am a goofball who is loud, chatty & someone who
they can talk to. Maybe it is right for me to add…wacky as well. Haha. And
alas, at home…I am what people would normally say, “myself”. But how true is
that? I know everyone have secrets that even their own close friends &
family don’t know about. If that is true, than you are like me…not 100%
“myself” at home. So, where do we get to be our 100% self? In the bedroom? In
the shower perhaps? Or maybe…in our prayers.

In my opinion, if you believe in God anyway, that only God
knows who we are…our true selves. But I bet for some, even in prayers…a time
between God & us….we hide ourselves hoping to blind God of what we perceive
as “not pleasing” to His eyes. I mean who are we kidding. He’s God for heaven’s
sake. I am directing that to me, mind you. He who sees all…who created all the
beautiful things around you…does see who you really are. Scary isn’t it. The
dreaded secret that you guard with your life is not a secret after all. The
real “you” that you try to conceal from the worldly eyes is so transparent
after all.

The journey of discovering the “real me” is not over yet. I
am truly amazed at people who can boldly say that they know who they are and
what’s their purpose in life. No sarcasm there. I mean it. People like these
baffle me. Why you ask. Because they don’t have to face the fear of being real
or disappointing people. They can walk this earth and shoved down every critics
and mockery thrown at them. They won’t allow people to doubt them and they
definitely spend less time doubting their selves. You know how teachers would
ask us what you want to be when you grow up…if I knew then what I know now, I
would definitely say I want to be like those people. So, to answer the
question..I don’t really know who I am but what I do know is that I know what I
want to be.

Reformat My Life please…

Woudln’t it be nice if my life can be reformatted like the computer. When so messed up already my system, then just reformat & "wa-lah"…clean slates. My life is so haywire right now. Concerning my career…is slowly going down the drain cause I lost interest. Where’s de passion gurl?! Lost it, man. Demmet! Gotta get myself pumped up again..gotta learn to love my  job again. Good Lord, help! Yikes…

Listen…

Ever heard the song “Listen by Beyonce”….like
it. No. Scratch that. Love it! It sorta depicts my rising from falling
and being down in the dumps of late. Sometimes I feel like I allow
people to mute my inner voice. I let all the noise of life drown me…I
don’t know whether I can explain that feeling…drowning and struggling
to reach the surface but you’re running out of oxygen. Sengsara oh! But
I think things are slooooowwwwly getting better…

Listen - Beyonce Knowles

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can’t complete

Listen to the sound from deep within
Its only beginning to find release

Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all ’cause you won’t listen

[chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I’m not at home in my own home
And I’ve tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what
You’ve made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I’ve gotta find my own
You should have listened

There was someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I’m screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed Aside or turned
Into your own
[ Listen lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
All ’cause you won’t listen

[chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I’m not at home in my own home
And I’ve tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what
You’ve made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I’ve gotta find my own
You should have listened

I don’t know where I belong
But I’ll be moving on
If you don’t, if you won’t

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete

Now I am done believing you
You don’t know not what I am feeling
I’m more than what you’ve made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I got to find my own - my own

My Life so far…

It’s been a while since my last post….doi! Bahabuk, berspider web sudah kali nie…wakakaka. Yes, I am able to amuse myself. Nuts!

Where was I? Oh ya…my life so far. Nothing much to add ‘cept that I am kinda happy. Is there such thing…kinda happy? Guess I have to be content with that fact fer now. Relationship with my hubby is interesting….like any normal marriage, we experience turbulence every now & then. Gagar juga jiwa raga bila diselubungi kedukaan yang mendalam bagaikan dihiris kalbu. Neh, kete! But I guess what I learned so far is, to always be patient and never fight fire with fire…kalu tidak…malatup, nah sepa pih pungut tu sisa-sisa badan yang hangkang sudah berkecai huh? Diri sendiri juga kan….kete! So, I’ve really really experienced first hand what ‘give & take’ means…it’s not like cinta mungit ah. Kitai…but I guess its those kinda stuff that makes my life more alive….bukan yang mundane & boring shit like ayam mati…akakakaka….Tidak sayang mulut o me kan. Erei….

Well…that’s all for now my dear blog…I gotta go join mah fwens for lepaking session….

..read..reflect..practice..

"Famous Quotes by Maya Angelou"

• Being a woman
is hard work.

• I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels.
Life’s a bitch.

• Words mean
more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them
with shades of deeper meaning.

• There’s a
world of difference between truth and facts. Facts can obscure truth.

• The most
called-upon prerequisite of a friend is an accessible ear.

Updates…

I’m still alive…breathing..not pregnant yet. And yes, school holiday is just around the corner. Oh, and I was just at Joe & Jay’s bachelor pad. That’s all for my updates..Ta-dah!

Reply…reply

Hey…I just realised that I had comments on my previous..previous blog. The one about me hating my day job! Hahaha…I still do but have not resigned yet. Chicken oh kan me. But I do intend to 5 years from now. Please kill me if I don’t people!!! Hehe. Cilia, its good to know I am not alone…phew! Amy!!!!!! Capat ko pulang kasih hibur siaaaaaaaaa…..Thank God Raya holidays are coming up. Cutiiiiiii!!!!

He Gives…&…He Takes Away

30 September 2007….my granduncle passed away. He’s more affectionately known as "apa Tua" by all of us, his grandchildren. He was the last ‘grandfather’ that I had & I would remember the traditional way of how we would always hug & kiss him affectionately whenever we would go home to Tambunan. I tried so hard not to cry on the day of his funeral cause I know that he’s in good hands but I couldn’t bear the loss of such a wonderful mentor..idol…a loving grandfather that always showed me that I am loved. God has given my family such a wonderful man…the chance to experience the warmth of a generous & loving man. Now that God has taken him away…I feel sad but grateful for all the wonderful memories that I can hold on to. I love you "Apa Tua"…always & forever.

so what now?

Been working for like 5 years as a Teacher….Am married to a good man, no children yet. So what now? I think there’s more to life. I attended a close friend’s wedding recently and I met all my high school friends…An experience that can’t be re-lived. I’m at a point in my life that I feel like quitting my job cause it wasn’t my choice of career in the first place. My friends would say, "You really have the patience oh kan, teaching..". I just smile away…but deep down in my heart, I already had a reply to that statement, "I wished I could quit my job and do something I loved…". The thing is…I HATE MY JOB! There. Read it and weep Linda (cakap sendiri sudah me this). If I was offered to travel and do anything besides teaching, I would. These are the days when LIFE SUCKS for me. So, I have decided to quit my teaching job and try to open my own busniess…Does anybody else HATE their DAY JOB like I do?